Merry Christmas everyone ❤️

Just flashed my high beams at Santa. Rudolph left his nose so bright I could hardly see the road ahead. It's not even foggy tonight.

I just can't shake the feeling that the Grinch is up to no good..

It would be nice of Santa to get those leaves out of my eavestrough while he's up there.

Shrek hated finding fairy tale creatures on his land yet chose to live in a swamp, a biome with some of the highest density of fairy tale creatures on earth, surpassed only by dells, meadows, and the abyssal zone of our oceans.

It was wrong for Obi-Wan to gaslight those Stormtroopers

Homeless man in ancient Egypt sneaking into the local pyramid construction site at night to steal a 2.5 ton limestone block. The guy at the quarry who buys them knows they're stollen but is charitable about it.

Ebenezer Scrooge has Bob Cratchit cooking the books, providing a meager warmth in the poor clerk's office while saving coal.

Chocolate advent calendars are great if your appetite is limited to mere morsels

For the Napoleonic line infantryman, all that was needed to affix bayonets and charge the enemy was a tin whistle and a tune. For the rifleman in the Great War, a sachet of instant coffee and a sugar cube. (putting some treats on the floor for my cat) Morale is everything my boy.

Some imbecile jammed up the biometric hand scanner with cheeto dust on their way out, now I'm frantically slapping cheese hand prints on the glass porthole window of the airlock, while the specimen that breached containment drags its oozing mass towards me

There is no reason to purchase pepper spray. You can still fend off bears and knife wielding assailants by waving a torch, as our ancestors did.

The worst time to find out your commanding officer has taken leave of his senses is halfway into your bayonet charge uphill.

A witch just saw me brewing a potion in the microwave and just shook her head in disbelief. I'm sorry, but sometimes you can't wait around for a fifteen gallon cast iron cauldron to come to a boil.

A goose just honked at me in sky traffic. We're in a V formation dude, shit's not moving any faster than this.

Okay, who unfollowed..

Is the metaverse not loading for anyone else?
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Google .com metavers gmaes
col an fun metavarse gams

I've heard they're making a mountain out of Mr. Mole's molehill. Could raise property value this side of the riverbank.

(dropping a whole scoop of ice cream into each kid's trick-or-treat bag) I screEEAAam for ice cream !! Haha, have a good one guys.

Forgot to lock the portcullis last night, and a goblin scrounged in our midden of refuse. The king is going to lose it when he sees this mess.

little more than bumpkins and bindles round these parts

The Holy Grail was no gem-encrusted chalice, but merely that one perfectly sized coffee mug Jesus purchased from Sears fifteen years prior.

The supply chain will only recover when a hero emerges who can stop these hill giants dragging our wagons and merchants deep into the woods.

They should turn the big pile of sea cans at the port into hip shipping container apartments with an ocean view. The ikea furniture is already sitting in them.

It would be nice if my cat put that "4:00am dashing around the house" energy into something productive, like doing his dang share of the dishes.

Imagine if the apple that fell near Isaac Newton was just Richard Scarry's Lowly Worm in his apple helicopter, and he just up and flew out of there after momentarily landing. Say goodbye to gravity for another three centuries at least.

Walking into a haunted house with my feather duster and just shaking my head in disbelief.

Crabs in a bucket should start paying attention to the coordination on display in the bridges and structures made from linked bodies of army ants.

"Imagine, if you will, a Venn diagram. One contraption labeled "devilish", the other "Rube Goldberg"

Me on my dark throne: ..that bit in the middle, where it overlaps. What contraption is that?

(Goblin cronies, proudly wheeling out a large object obscured under a draped cloth)

It might seem at first glance that the medieval peasant were lucky to live in a world where they could do combat with fantasy creatures, but this is our rose-tinted glasses. Most of their day was occupied with poking into manure heaps with filthy sticks.

In the middle ages there was no such thing as true crime. If someone went missing it was assumed that they were simply dragged into the woods by a hill troll, perhaps a band of chittering goblins. Very little mystery to become invested in.

Thank you @TheAverageJoey for this amazing Halloween avi !!

I'm going in for a cheeky peek in my rear-view mirror. Just a peek, mind you!

Take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but little clues all around

Travelers peddling wares have always provided a vital source of nutrients for the creatures who descend upon them.

Humpty Dumpty may have survived a fall from such heights if he had simply deployed a forward parkour roll.

Some guy just honked at me in sky traffic. We're at terminal velocity dude, shit's not moving and faster than this.

My opponent has discovered the repetitious pattern of my three attacks and is proceeding to bonk my glowy bit.

Me: Hey butt brain, don't hit your butt on the way out!

(Butt Brain, ducking under low doorframe) Woah, thanks homie, didn't see that.

I'm having a cup and tea.

Some scallywag is crossing my T in sea traffic. Going to fire one of my forward guns, just a warning to let him know I see that shit.

The US army esports team has been defeated by the Taliban in a stunning upset. The Taliban team has been seen wearing abandoned US Logitech headsets, and have issued a 30 min window for American fans to exit the convention centre.

Accidentally brought my buckler to shield wall training. I'm hoping the other warriors don't catch on..

All the homies have been filling their nalgene bottles at the fountain of youth.

Marie Kondo just folded my fitted sheet into a perfect hypercube, opening a rift in spacetime that is sucking all my laundry, home decor, and furniture towards it.

Gone off that uncontacted tribe poison blowgun dart

I'm making a bee line towards you (zig-zagging wildly, stopping at each plant in the meadow, bonk my noggin against the side of a parked car, shaking on a screen door I have become imprisoned behind, )

I just saw Nathan J Robinson shopping for tie dye Thrasher hoodies in Zumiez

Being boiled alive in a large cauldron by hill giants, I sample the broth and shake my head disappointingly.
"No no.. we're definitely going to need more fireweed."
The giants, suspicious about why I haven't finished cooking, have no idea they're brewing a heat resistance potion.

If the Americans are busy recreating iconic photos from the fall of Saigon and are open to requests, they should do one where they push another helicopter off the deck of an aircraft carrier. That was a fun one.

It's easy to get your ducks in a row if you're following a trail of breadcrumbs.

Showing a clown my prized balloon collection, as a sign of good will between our cultures, and watching in horror as he twists and contorts them into crude, sausagey caricatures of creatures and beasts.

Old beggars can be spared a single imperial septim, as a treat.

bumble bee is short for "bumbling buffoon".

Rome wasn't built in a day. It was more like a weekend project.

Tom Nook could easily afford a crevice, yet chooses to remain in a cranny.

A haunted McMansion is a real double whammy in the world of mansions.

Helping one of my garden gnomes put on his boots after he became too round from eating berries to reach down on his own.

Accidentally wore my bicycle horn clown shoes to heist night. I'm hoping the other rogues don't catch on..

The driverless cars of the future should be made to honk at random intervals, to preserve the cacophony of our traffic.

If you crack open a sarcophagus and feel the rush of an ethereal mist, and hear a forlorn scream echo in the burial chamber around you, do not be frightened. Egyptian embalmers sealed those things up like a soda can.

Go. Look at the bees as they work. Go, but be careful.

His lordship is summoning every country bumpkin able to wield a wooden spoon for his new campaign.

Just want to thank you guys for this past year. It's really meant a lot to me.

Saruman should have bred an army of 10,000 little guys. They could have easily squeezed through that drain.

The guy who invented the ball peen hammer got a good laugh out of his buddies when he told them what he was going to name it.

Building a racing sim setup that's just a treadmill under my desk and fred Flintstoneing it

If you hurry, you could still follow @god_brane before 1k.

We were fools not to push the great pacific garbage patch into the ocean fire.

(King Théoden) A great host, you say? How many?

(Aragorn) Dozens, maybe two dozen strong at least.

(King Théoden) Two dozen?!

(Aragorn) It is an army bred for a single purpose: to mildly inconvenience the world of men

Hot air balloons were invented by Nintendo, which is why their weak spot is an obvious, giant, round, colourful extrusion bouncing and bobbing above the rest of the aircraft.

Hate it when me and my shipmates are locked in combat with an elephant seal, a creature of such enormous bulk it can not be destroyed by mere bludgeoning.

The geometric precision of the ancient Egyptian pyramids is some of the earliest know evidence of nerds.

they didn't eat popcorn in the theaters back then, but they still needed a guy to come in after a show to sweep up. There would always be a lot of broken glass after the opera lady's solo shattered everyone's monocles.

A scallywag just honked at me in sea traffic. We're in the doldrums dude, shit's not moving any faster than this.

Just discovered that the hill giant cooking me into a stew is being controlled by a rat with exceptional culinary intuition. I knew this oafish creature's abilities were too good to be true.

Please. Frankenstein was the name of my creator. Call me Frankenstein's monster.

Fans of simple machines will geek out whe you show them a picture of Mount Everest, the tallest inclined plane.

(Frodo, wearily) There'll be none left for the return journey..

(Sam, cooking their fifth breakfast in three hours) I don't think there will be a return journey, Mr. Frodo.

Guy at the gladiatorial games getting booed by the crowed because he grabbed a severed limb off the field that was still technically "in play".

Just found out the wasteland I'm wandering around in is also, to make matters worse, god forsaken. There is still time for my luck to turn around, but while I may have a "canteen is half full" kind of attitude, I do not have a "canteen is half full" kind of canteen.

The last thing I want to see when I crest a sand dune is another sweeping sand dune.

Heading down to the hot air balloon dealership for their employee pricing event.

The bullfrog in a tweed suit, whose land I live on, heard I was short for rent this month. He suggested I raise rent on my tenants.
"No tenants?", he asked suspiciously, "I've only housed landlords before."
"Only a joke, sir." I nervously assured. "It's tenants all the way down."
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Filling in for @Ppallo while he's on twitter vacation

(Gordon Ramsay stirring the primordial soup with a big spoon) Ugh! What the hell is..?! It's festering!! It's absolutely teeming!!!

If you hurry, you could still follow @jurndan before 3k.

Covering my eyes during the Charmin commercial. A bear's bare-ass business is a bare-assed bear's business.

Huge mistake sending our fife and drums with the reconnaissance team, I just figured they could use a bit of color amongst those drab ghillie suits.

Explaining to the cathedral foreman that the pillars I've been carving of gargoyles sucking and fucking are both a grotesque display of the duality of man and, of possibly greater importance, vital load bearing points that can no longer be altered.

Slashing and swashbuckling my way up seven flights of stairs, my opponents and I pause to catch our breath. Our chivalrous melee might have ended there, had it not been for a passing custodian pointing out an elevator down the hall.

A shackled ghost could easily phase through it's rattling chains if it wanted to, but most choose to stay. It's a pointed statement of fashion.

I know not with what weapons Climate Chat 2 will be fought, but Climate Chat 3 will be faught with sticks and stones.

Scooping a bit of gasoline into a bulk bin bag

When I end my visits with the wizard in his high tower he always pulls the lever next to his throne, opening a false floor beneath me that sends me careening down to the ground. It's a mutual arrangement, he can use his villainous contraption, and I don't have to take the stairs.

Hate it when I'm flying around in my propeller hat and the blades get lodged in some tree branches, leaving me stuck rotating in circles.

It was nice of NASA to lend George Lucas use of the Hubble space telescope, so he could film the gripping drama of a galaxy far, far away.

Painted a whoopee cushion to look like a toadstool and left it outside. My garden gnomes are in for a cheeky surprise the next time they decide to take a nap on the job.

Discovering to my dismay that I brought my best pie crust to a krumping competition, not a crimping competition. I'm hoping that the judges don't catch on.

Snatching a pastry that caught my eye,
A windowsill void of a cooling pie,
I sprint away

Biden's men-at-arms just raided my chest freezer and took away all but one of my grandma's homemade meatballs. They then took all of the blue freezies "as payment for their troubles". The only flavours left were two pineapples and an orange..

I'm rotating the ultimate sauce in my mind (saucepan spills all over mind floor) Fuck!

You would snatch a man's plumage? Right from his own bascinet?

Sam had to kill Shelob because he knew spiders gave Frodo the heebie-jeebies. That's just the kind of friend he was.

(Showing my guests a completely obliterated heap of what once was a grand piano) Yep, found this baby next to a 13-storey apartment building, I guess they were giving it away for free. Thought I'd take it home and spruce it up a bit.

(Listening to Flight of the Bumblebee) The real music is in the notes they don't play

(Looking at the broken pieces of the fourth wall shattered on the floor around me) .. I can't fix this.

If you're doing your own oil change, make sure you put down a bit of ocean or wetland habitat under your car to avoid dripping motor oil on your driveway.

Latched in stocks in the village square, I dip my finger into the splattered tomatoes thrown at me and taste them, nodding approvingly, and proclaim my request to the jeering crowed that some basil, perhaps a dash of parmesan, be thrown next.

Did it hurt? When you fell through fire and water, from the lowest dungeon to the highest peak where you fought him, the Balrog of Morgoth, Until at last you threw down your enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside?

If you really think Andy Dufresne crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side, simply by standing in the rain for a few minutes, I've got some bad news for you regarding cholera, typhoid fever, and dysentery.

Hold up, you're telling me a cadbery creamed this egg?

It's called longitude because it's looonng.. like "long".. and long things.. long things go up and down, right? like how up and down is.. long. It's the long direction.. but side to side? (holding arms outstretched) See, that's all short.. so it wouldn't be the long one,

The captain of Ever Given just pointed his spyglass directly down from the nose of the ship and shouted "Land ho!". Got a big laugh from the crew

Placing my head in the water, far down in the darkness a huge mass of tentacles, gnashing teeth, eyes, and fins slowly roll in the murky gloom. The boom of an ancient heartbeat pulses from the deep.

"Yeah dude, you're lure should come lose give it one more yank on the left side"

Whistling the Indiana Jones theme to myself as I strut casually through a ruined jungle temple, stepping on every pressure plate and snapping every trip wire while spears, blow darts, and blades ricochet off my full plate armour, until a rolling boulder crushes me like a pop can.

What is the charge? Eating a pie? A succulent cooling pie?

Leaping out of bed in my nightcap and gown at 4:30am to stand at attention and salute the bugle call of good mornings from the Europeans in group chat.

The king's eyes light up. He wiggles his fingers in anticipation as the minstrel twirls a herald's trumpet in the air, bends over dramatically, and places the mouthpiece against his anus.

Gnomes have stolen my rowboat and are hauling down river to the beat of a drum, eight gnomes abreast per oar.

The wizard in his high tower is cackling and zapping magic missiles at random passersby below. A nuisance, to be sure, but nobody in their right mind is going to climb that many flights of stairs to confront him.

Being more often recognized as "that guy who looks like shit" than by your hereditary title as a duke was entirely commonplace in the middle ages.

Carl Sagan, basking in the ethereal glow of the ship of the imagination. Soft, Vangelis synths fill the air as he smiles softly, calmly pressing squares on a glass display. I leap around shouting and swearing, trying to avoid his laser fire as it vaporizes the ground beneath me.

The king's minstrel was tooting his trumpet right by my head, so I stuck my finger in the end of it, causing him to momentarily inflate like a balloon. Got a big laugh from everyone at the feast.

Snapping my fingers and tapping my foot to the beat of the approaching enemy snare and fife tune. The grenadier beside me in line jabs me with his elbow. I recompose myself, but you can't deny that those bastards have talent in their ranks.

(David Attenborough peering through the foliage, speaking in a hushed whisper) a bum-ble-y bee..

If I'm ever hit directly from a trebuchet, don't bother digging out my mashed remains from under the boulder. Just use it as my tombstone and save yourself the mess.

It was foolish for Frodo to enter Shelob's lair with little more than a glass, and a piece of paper to slide under it.

The neekolul curse has successfully been transferred from Bernie to AOC, securing her defeat in 2024.

I can't believe my eyes. A fourth follower after all these months! Thank you, who ever you are. I'm glad you enjoy my posts.

"Wow, it looks like a goblin's sty in here!"

My garden gnomes, not wanting to be compared to the dreadful creatures, mutter amongst themselves and begin picking up their mess.

(looking in mirror) ..I can't believe I'm a fairy tale creature.

My timeline is filled with fairy tale creatures.

Hate it when the goblin attacks on my farm are considered a waste of his lordships time, and I have no choice but to turn to a band of dysfunctional upstart adventurers who fuck up my acreage in the process.

Leaving the severed heads of bygone trespassers impaled at your doorstep can, if left unattended, lead to flies, ants, and other pests inside the home.

I always wait for a few stones to be cast. I want to know I'm stoning the right person.

You'd have to be a huge nerd to graduate top of your class as a Navy Seal.

Installing drivers is a great way to relax and unwind on a Friday night.

Friendly reminder to back up your hard drive today, and your phone too, while you're at it. And sort out your last will and testament. And also create the cryptic clues that will lead your heirs to your buried treasure, the true location of which will go with you to your grave.

NASA's message to the googly-eyed freaks of Mars has been delivered loud and clear today: You can run, but you cannot hide.

Googly-eyed Martians are zapping the Perseverance rover with their chrome ray-guns. A NASA spokesperson has confirmed that, while the rover is returning fire, it is hopelessly outnumbered.

This is so fake. You can clearly see the strings.

If you wish to steal a cooling pie from scratch, you must first invent the windowsill.

Taking the name "cross-country skiing" a bit too literally, and showing up with several Conestoga wagons pulled by oxen and four to six months provisions.

Walking towards a doorway, the man ahead of me holds it open and politely gestures me to go ahead.

"After you!".

Beyond me a gauntlet of spikes, shifting platforms, pendulating blades, and the heat of boiling lava below.

"After you.", he prompts, more matter of fact this time.

I can't believe the royal museum is evaluating my artifacts as "priceless". Give me a price. My balloonists and equipment porters slain by jaguars and jungle darts are not going to replace themselves.

Napoleon Bonaparte tried to sack Minnesota in -50°F and we all know how that ended. Let's learn from history.

With no beds to till, no hedges to prune, and no songbirds to harass, my garden gnomes are left with little more to do than to drink themselves into a seasonally depressed stupor seldom seen this side of Siberia.

Shouting obscenities and flailing my limbs as I'm slowly sucked up in a tractor beam towards the ship of the imagination.

(Carl Sagan, watching me on the ship's display) "Floating, like a mote of dust, suspended in a sunbeam.."

The secret ingredient is crime. Parsley sage rosemary and crime, as the ballad goes.

Pushing a quarter into the Lewisbot

@lewisbot1: (Gordan Ramsay voice) Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet ass pastry.

If I was ever approached by a creature of extraterrestrial origin, I would give that nerd a wedgie. Only a race of turbo geeks would invent interstellar travel.

The googly-eyed freaks in their chrome flying saucers are always neutralizing targets.

Posting bare ass into the group chat and getting one of each react emojis.

I was within a hands reach from the king's gilded treasure chest, when the loud ringing "ka-ching!" of my eyes rolling into dollar signs echoed down the castle corridors, alerting the guards.

Where have all the posters gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the posters gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the posters gone?
"This account doesn't exist", every one

I think it could be fun to have a day that is not historically unprecedented for once.

People will hate on a guy simply for strummin' this ol' ban-ger here for nigh on seven-ty years.

The goblins are allowed to battle my garden gnomes under the condition that they execute the wounded after combat. I don't need a noise complaint about haunting cries of agony coming from my lawn.

One must imagine Sisyphus brooding in abject torment.

Messengers love to arrive at the last minute and collapse in front of the king, revealing a crossbow bolt lodged in their butt cheek.

Walking into Shelob's lair with a feather duster and just shaking my head in disbelief.

imagine being this close to the Clintons with a bayonet

Trump has only a few hours left to pardon Bobby Shmurda.

Slapping a dandelion seed out of Carl Sagan's hand before he can make another platitudinous analogy.

It feels like only yesterday that the green men and their flying chrome saucers brought to our world the goo. A goo of extraterrestrial origin, now as American as apple pie. A staple at every suburban breakfast table. A goo we will explore in this evening's television program.

Just caused an accidental mutation in this DNA sequence, the next enzyme's shift starts in an hour he's going to lose it when he sees this mess.

Becoming an indentured serf in a Spacex mars colony and dying in a Donner Party scenario traversing Mount Olympus.

(ASMR wet lips touching microphone) I'm merging our brain goo in the singularity.. (stirring oatmeal with finger) my goo thoughts are touching your goo thoughts..

(I am Spartacus voice) I am Donald trumps alt.

The president has handcuffed himself to the front door of the Twitter's NYC headquarters in protest.

Trump is going to tumblr

More deaths recorded at the US parliament after two Q shamans got their antler headpieces entangled together and had to be put down by big game hunters.

Dying in the occupation of the US parliament, and dying in hand-to-hand combat with a boston dynamics robot are the only two ways to achieve a warrior's death in our age.

The protesters finish battering down a set of gilded doors using a bust of Abraham Lincoln, and emerge to find this sight waiting for them.

Gandalf's feeling like the white wizard.

Guys will think about making a "podcast", when they should be thinking of making a "wad o' cash"

"Help! Somebody please! My husband's fainted!!"

I, a disgraced physician, see my chance for redemption. Clicking open my briefcase, I slap on a single latex glove, steeling my mind as I prepare to "go rectal".

Peasants scurry, windows latch shut as the lord's failson rides into the village with his retainers.

Standing in the town square, unaware of what's happening, I make eye contact with the nobleman, who is casually loading his crossbow and gesturing for me to expose my bare ass.

My favourite moment in the Star Wars movie is when the googly eyed freaks pilot their chrome flying saucers.

issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding whales. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta nuke something"

Happy New Year !! 🎉🎉